Sunday June 09, 2002

BMX stands for bicycle motocross and was invented by teens back in the 70s (i believe) who did not have motorcycle licenses and wanted to imitate their heroes.

My first attempt at drawing a bmx

WD-40 is what fine herb (the urge for herbal) is to snoop dog. It is like a finger pointing away to the moon. It is a crucial element in any sport involving wheels. It reduces friction in almost every joint and angle. WD-40 works great with ball bearings. Dilldong wants to work with bare balls. It also removes sharpie marker from plastic surfaces and also very flammable. Use it to your own advantage. Can be used as a weapon against rapists like dilldong. Just hold a match in front of nozzle and spray away. If this does not work then you will be anally abused very bad so you should probably just use it like asstroglide. Dong Jiang likes to stick his head up your asymptotes. Be aware.

What's worse then walking your bike home after a flat? discovering that you have popped the wheel 10mins after coming home from a bike shop and realizing that you only have a few coins in your pocket. I was almost already home and decided to obtain a real nice inner tube from John J, who apparently used Lemon to purchase the product.

FIXING A FLAT requires expertise skills in the fine arts of con.

1. You have to rob a inner tube from your favorite bike shop (is Kmart still there?) or manipulate one of your friends into buying one for you.

2. Take out a screwdriver and shove it up dilldongs anal crevice. Then sanitize it with Lysol and a heat treatment to disinfect the various STDs and other infectious toxins.

3. Employ the tool to lift the tire out of the rim. If ur mad poor u can use a pen or a chopstick so u don't poke a hole in the inner tube, which also means that you have to buy a repair kit. Remember you only have to lift 1 side out.

4. PUMP IT UP (says arnold) and locate the puncture wound. If its on the outside u kno its a cheap and old tube or a thorn mite have raped it. Check for foreign objects so this calamity doesn't occur again. If its on the inside then u kno it must have been the spoke that killed the tube.

5. Make sure that all spokes are speaking correctly and that they jut out creating a dangerous situation. Use a flathead screwdriver to tighten. Make sure the rubber strip is covering all of the spokes or u can use PCV or vinyl tape ensure stability.

6. Replace with new or fixed inner tube in a orderly fashion.

7. You can use your bare hands (ooga booga) to slip the tire back in the rim. STOP WHINING - you think your so dirty cuz you got black hands?

8. Inflate rear wheel to about 50PSI. Inflate front wheel to about 35PSI, or less if you have girly wrists. Remember weight distribution goes to the rear.

9. Repeat step 2 if necessary

If you are a pro, and only the front wheel popped, you can wheelie the bike to the bike shop in a matter of minutes.

FALLING OFF the bike is not always a pleasant experience. One must master the art of falling. That is not to fall on your ass. This is easily accomplished when you have mastered the art of balance. MR. MYIAGI says focus, concentrate, and stand on 1 foot with your arms looking like a crane. He basically advocates looking like an moron in public, which is not always a bad thing. Dont think, feeeeeeel. Remember if you have to fall, fall with style.

PICKING UP the bike must also be done with fine skill. After making a fool of yourself by falling on your ass, make sure you don't bend over too much. Nobody wants to see your fruity underwear (unless ur a hot girl) Don't use your hands if possible. Extra style points for erecting the bike with your foot.

RAZOR scooters are like a X between a bmx and skateboard. Incorporate many tricks from both worlds into this hilarious sport. Its so easy to use no wonder you look like an idiot. The good thing is that the falls look professional and excruciating. It is rather easy to stay on your feet after you have fallen of this minute (pronounced MY NEWT. Kent says "SOOOK MY NEWTS) vehicle. If you are short it would be easier to ride since you like dumb kindergartener with ADHD. More style points for picking up the scooter with your feet. Don't bend over to pick it up or else dilldong will anally traumatize you repeatedly. If that does occur bring some napkins to wipe off the blood that comes out.

GRINDING on metal objects is an exhilarating experience since friction is so low. The audio effect is amazing.

SAFETY is first so remember to wear your helmet with chin strap, knee pads, elbow pads, wrist guards, cup, thigh pads and full body of armor. It does make you feel invulnerable but if you suck that much you deserve to get hit by a bus.

JOUSTING is the art of war. Invented by the people at Jackass, bmx jousting is a way to relieve stress and to damage your opponent via a long stick (lance), knights armor, and garbage can lid (serves as sheild) Contestants ride towards each other ridiculously and clash (preferably a midair collision like that of MI2). Feel free to tackle your opponent if he attempts to get up.

SKILLS

Front peg stalls - fire hydrant, light poles, rocks, garbage cans, thrown out TV's, playground slides

Grinds - cement, wooden bench, metal bench, fallen telephone poles, chain link fence, car bumpers

Wheelies - 5 seconds wheelie when im high, 3 seconds when im sober, endos

Original tricks - Floor grind, jack hammer, switch, super powerslide

Flatland - 1/2 tailwhip, 1/2 decade (5 years?), barhop, barspin, reverse barspin, one handed barspin, X-up

DAMAGE:

Flats (inner tube), Seared Tire (outer), Bent rim, Cracked Stem, Bent Seat post, Broken pedal, broken Seat, snapped brake bolt, worn down brake pads, twisted ball bearings, ripped grips, twisted gyro cable, torn cable housing, bent axel, bent frame, brake lever

Mods:

$4 inner tube

$7 self seal inner tube

$10 racing inner tube

$7 Tire

$90 ACS Stealth Mag rims

$30 Metal Rims

$15 GT Stem

$20 Seat post

$20 GT pedals

$15 Seat

$3 Brake Bolt

$5 Odyssey Brake Pads

$2 Ball Bearing

$10 Gyro cable

$10 Brake lever

$248 Total